You probably won’t ever find these words. Unless my secret wishes come true and you come to creep on me here. I tried giving you my last hurrah once before but I couldn’t help but feel like you dismissed half of it, if not every word. I wasn’t asking you for promises for fairy tale endings, I wasn’t even sure what I wanted from you when you did what you did. I do know I didn’t want to be treated the way you went about treating me. I said to you that I would be here waiting for you to be ready/centered/whatever and that I’d still care for you, yet you ignored me and acted like I didn’t exist. I offered my friendship to you just for you to punt it away. You turned me into an imaginary enemy with make-believe, fake idea of me hating you and in turn caused you to viciously state how much you despised me, crushing any feelings I had left for you.
I don’t know how someone can handle receiving a flip in disposition like that all in less then a week. I don’t get why you would make me confirm with you that I really did love you all to throw it back at in my face days later. A lesser man would see that as nothing but pure evil. An act committed by a cold hearted bitch. That’s how many see you and maybe I am a fool for not seeing it that way too; It would make getting past you all the more easier. And I wish, for my sanity’s sake, that I knew why you would act out in a such a way, but I don’t and it’s tearing me up. You left me without a fair reason, without communicating to me what was upsetting you, thinking it was better to confide all your feelings and resentment for me in another and most importantly leaving without giving us a fair shot. I can’t tell you how much of a mistake that was on your part, or how poorly you handled this situation. Everything here was treated with such idiocy; you were like a novice behind a F-51. Which you foolishly nose-dived straight into the earth. Why? I asked countless times for you to tell what was wrong, to talk to me, to call me. But for some idiotic reason you kept your mouth shut and kept everything bottled up until you couldn’t handle anything anymore and severed the cord. Fucking idiot. You thought you were doing what was right for you but it didn’t have to be this way at all if you only spoke with me.
You told me you understood why I did what I did - it was because I needed you. I couldn’t help myself because I cared for you too much. You had to be the one to tell me I was crowding you. I gave you permission to tell me to shut the fuck up and to back off when need be, but you never said a word. You let this train go off the rails. Was it because you were getting bored again? Was I no longer good enough? Why didn’t you say anything?
Now you’ve run off. With someone else from what it feels like and left me here with a pile of questions and a heart that doesn’t know which way to beat. Part of me does in fact hate you for being such a moron about this, for giving up so easily, for teasing me, lying to me, leading me on, ignoring me, letting your paranoid head make you think I hate you and that I wouldn’t be there. I hate it all so much. Rereading our messages is an unnecessary torture I put myself through. Every kind word you said to me reads as such a dirty fucking lie now. How perfect I was for you? How did you ever get so lucky? Are you fucking kidding me? I meant every word I said to you and I had to repeat them over and over countless times for you because you didn’t believe me. And it would seem that all your words for me held as much value as an empty box. How else can you explain dropping me like a hot rock and cursing me out of your life when all I did was offer my friendship and support? The only answers I have before me are you are indeed a cold bitch who just got bored and has too much time on her hands, meant every word you said to me but let your insecurities ruin everything, or some fucked up mix of the two.
It hurts to know we never gave this the proper time and care something like this needed, as it seemed to mean a lot to the both of us. It hurts to go on thinking you hate me for nothing more than to cover up your own feelings of guilt. What drives the knife home though is the thought of you not coming back. For better or worse you said I would get to speak with you again, whether that’s because you want to tell me to fuck off or that you’re ready, I want to hear because I need the closure. Which you never gave me. I told you once before that this story needed a proper and definitive ending and the way you chose to go out would make all the The Sopranos fans rise up in anger once again. For now, like I said I would, I’m giving you what you want; your space. I’ll disappear but you’ll probably forget me considering how quickly you moved on. Me? I’ll just sit here thinking about how “the greatest boyfriend ever” lost someone he entrusted so much because right now that’s all he can do. If any comfort can be found it will be in the irony from everytime you said you didn’t want to “mess this up” by saying something stupid.
Should the wind carry these words to your ears know that the last words I said about you remain true. I do care about you. I wish nothing but the best for you. And I don’t hate you.
Stop acting like you’re okay. Stop running away from all your problems. Stop acting like you don’t give a fuck. Stop being someone you’re not. I can see that you’re hurt. I can see that you’re confused. You’re lips say “I’m okay” but your eyes are screaming for help.